Sidekick Page 17
There is a moment of stunned silence before a woman shrieks. And then all hell breaks loose. The boys try to run off stage, but for some reason [38] they can’t let go of each other’s hands. Willem trips over his high heels and pulls the lot of them down. They lie on the floor in a bundle of hairy chests, pimply bums and pink panties.
By now almost everyone in the audience is laughing hysterically. A lot of people have their cellphones out, recording a definite YouTube hit. Some of the parents look shocked and angry, and a few mothers are dragging younger kids out of the hall. One glance at the principal’s face assures me that these boys are in deep trouble.
By this time Daniel is as red as a beet, and it looks as if Jamal is crying. Willem has almost certainly wet his pants. It’s the kind of epic fail that these boys will never live down.
Mission accomplished.
In the escalating chaos, Finn and I sneak out of a side door and into the warm Cape Town night.
One thing’s for sure – no-one will be butchering the Bard tonight.
The End
[ 1] Personally, I think the city fathers must have been smoking some pretty dubious stuff when they saw that resemblance. But then I have been told I’m rather cynical for my years.
[ 2] Well, that’s the official reason. The real reason is a bit more complicated.
[ 3] I tend to think he creates about as many problems as he solves, but that’s just my opinion.
[ 4] I once heard Finn and Mom speculate that he must’ve come from West Africa somewhere, because he spoke French and loved that Youssou N’Dour-type music. But by that reasoning all those lame Miley Cyrus fans at my school should hail from Tennessee, which (although it would explain a lot, actually) simply isn’t true.
[ 5] According to Finn this is actually a good thing because it makes it easier for me to “fly under the radar”. Actually, I’m so far under the radar I’m practically underground!
[ 6] Once when she realised Finn was letting me drive his cars, and once when she came across one of the guns he’s given me.
[ 7] Except when I’m helping out Finn in untime, which doesn’t count
[ 8] I don’t even argue about this any more – refer to my notes on Mom’s character.
[ 9] i.e., pretty, evil, blonde, thin, glamorous, shallow, plastic …m
[ 10] Told you my mom was a feminist.
[ 11] Because the acronym for the thing is SCREEN – can’t remember what that stands for. Sorry.
[ 12] Probably the most “normal” family car in the world.
[ 13] I’m not stupid, okay, let’s make that very clear. It’s just that I’m not exactly a rocket surgeon (ha ha).
[ 14] They usually fall into one of three categories: a) crystal-swinging New Agers; b) acid-popping hippy geniuses; or c) tree-hugging eco-warriors.
[ 15] Apparently this involves all kinds of midnight “activities” on the mountain. Finn says it’s like recharging a battery … but he needs the full moon. (It sounds pretty dodgy if you ask me.)
[ 16] The bread was still fresh, as food doesn’t spoil in untime. Which is just as well, I guess.
[ 17] But I wouldn’t put it past him to have believed he could carry those poor people out of the buildings one by one. He’s like that, you know?
[ 18] It’s the high heels, I’m telling you.
[ 19] Irrational because there are no curtains.
[ 20] I ignored him, obviously. Talk about double standards, jeez.
[ 21] The words “pot”, “kettle” and “black” immediately spring to mind. Finn swears like the Irishman he pretends to be, so I’m not going to let him take the moral high ground here.
[ 22] I know more than most people about Shakespeare because once when I was stuck in untime I read his entire collected works. (I was bored, okay?)
[ 23] I’m not only quoting but also being ironic. Very ironic.
[ 24] Mrs Frazer translated it herself, in case you were wondering.
[ 25] By then I’d learnt to trust my body and I measured time by keeping track of my sleeping patterns. If I grew really tired, I went to sleep, and if I then woke up refreshed and ready to take on the world, I knew that – as far as my body was concerned – another “night” had passed. I kept track by making markings in my diary, a bit like Robinson Crusoe. (If he’d had a Hello Kitty diary.)
[ 26] If we did, obviously, thousands of people would have watched entire structures disappearing on TV!
[ 27] In this case four separate files – one for each missing child.
[ 28] Even Mark Zuckerberg (CEO and founder of Facebook) had his most private photos accessed through a simple loophole! It’s insane!
[ 29] Other people don’t lose any of their body heat in untime, which is why in emergency situations I’ve sometimes had to huddle close to strangers. Simon said that’s probably how I survived before they found me.
[ 30] Note to self: Find a boyfriend before you do something stupid!!
[ 31] I’m talking about Sherlock, okay, Sherlock!
[ 32] The sentence has since been reduced on the grounds of good behaviour, and at the moment I’m out on Mom’s version of parole.
[ 33] These are rules I made up myself, based on hard-won personal experience.
[ 34] They’re speaking Afrikaans, but I’m good at languages so I understand everything.
[ 35] You remember, Finn’s ex-assassin who now worships the ground Finn walks on.
[ 36] I took the Hilux, the most unbreakable car in the world, so I’m not worried.
[ 37] Yip, even those guards, who are also awaiting trial.
[ 38] Superglue.
Tafelberg,
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Copyright © AL Radloff 2010
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